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Getting Scared - advice please

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Unregistered(d)	Getting Scared - advice please	Lead	[-]
Posts: 0 (01/30/07 02:43:32) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None We had decieded that we wanted to adopt. I want an older girl as I have always wanted a daughter. I have been researching Eastern Europe esp. Ukraine. After reading all these forums I am wondering if I can do it. I am sure most of the people on here are more intelligent & experienced than I am, & they seem to be in pure hell. Were there no indications of RAD or serious problems when you learned about/met the children? Or were you just that brave & determined? All I read about are horror stories, no happy endings. The statistics published say most people are happy & satisfied with thier adoptions but that is not what I am seeing. I never read anything good from an actual family unless they have just gotten the child home, & they are usually young ones! Do the happy endings just not post, or are they quite rare? I expected problems, I know that they would be developmentally behind in most areas & would have some sadness they would carry, anxiety & so forth. But this seems far beyond that scope. I know they have a lot to deal with, but these kids sound psychopathic & dangerous. Is that what I would be getting into, esp. with an older one? I thought one reason for Intl. adoption was that the reasons were more due to poverty, war, illness due to substantial care, stigma of illegitimacy, ect. As opposed to the more common problems of drugs & abuse here in the US. Apparently this does not contribute to a more stable person & I have it all wrong. I have a lot of small animals around & do not wish to jeapordize them by a child acting out. I thought I had problems with my biological son (now grown) but he sounds like a dream child compared with this. When I read what you guys are going through, I feel really shallow for my reasons for wanting to adopt. Am I just not a good enough person to want to suffer through this for years, is this what I need to expect? Should I pursue adoption? I am more confused than when I starting looking things up.....Is there any way to tell about a child FIRST? I understand about the honeymoon period until they are feeling comfortable & secure & then the acting out starts, (it is the same with dogs & I have a rescue). I just never thought it would be this bad & continue for years. I do not think my marraige could stand it. ARE THERE ANY SUCESS STORIES OUT THERE, MEANING SUCESS WITHOUT THE PROLONGED TRAUMA? Please advise before I spend a lot of time & money digging myself in.... Thanks so much for all your help, & for all you do! Sage in Texas
4mykidz	Re: Getting Scared - advice please	#1	[-]
Posts: 236 (01/30/07 09:06:44) Committed Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Please post your question at the link below. There are so many people there that could give you good answers and feedback. This site is wonderful, but not nearly so active. It really sounds like you need some healthy input. p103.ezboard.com/bfosteringandadoptingolderchildren There are families there that have done both domestic and international adoptions, that can even help you out with the comparisons to help you determine what is right for you.
Unregistered(d)	Re: Getting Scared - advice please	#2	[-]
Posts: 0 (01/30/07 13:52:41) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Honestly, you are not likely to hear a lot of success stories on an internet bulletin board. The people who post on a bulletin board are mainly those who are looking for help or information. And who is more likely to look for help or information? Those people whose family lives are in trouble, of course! So that's what you are going to hear about for the most part. Sometimes people who went through trouble and came out the other side and who are doing fine now will continue to post, but even that is fairly rare. Adopting an older child is hard - emotionally and physically. It is not like adopting an infant where the infant learns to bond and learns to behave a certain way because they were taught so before they were old enough to choose - no, comparing older child adoption to infant adoption is like comparing apples to oranges. Adopting an older child CAN turn out well. But it is not guaranteed to. Some people have their adoption turn out well by sheer chance. Others turned out well because of the parents' knowledge and because they were carefully selective of the child they chose. Others turned out well only after almost impossibly hard work and exhaustion and after suffering abuse that almost disrupted the adoption. You can't count on "sheer chance". So your best option is to learn. Everything. Read all the books, read all the internet postings. Spend time with a family going through some of the problems you read about. Learn your own strengths and weaknesses. Don't assume it "won't" happen to you - instead learn how to react in case it does happen to you. Research common issues in children from the area where you would like to adopt. Learn the issues that often accompany children of that age, too. Find out what that type of child has likely been exposed to, and how they likely learned to cope. Learn about the mild possibilities, the medium liklihood, and the extreme examples. Sometimes we find that our dreams are possible - sometimes we learn that we need to change what we dream for to make it possible. So don't let postings on an internet bulletin board scare you away. There are good stories. But don't ignore the postings either, because the best chance you have of being one of the good stories is to be educated and make good decisions at all stages of your adoption. Hope that helps!
Unregistered(d)	Re: Getting Scared - advice please	#3	[-]
Posts: 0 (01/30/07 21:15:24) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks - I hope that is the case. Today I tried to look at some older girls on state waiting child lists. That is difficult because DPS as well as many agency sites will not let you get any information or often even see the sites until you have registered with an approved home study. And I am not sure that I want to go through all the time, hassle, & money to get one unless I can identify some girls I am interested in. So I have no idea if there really are some fairly "normal" kids out there. I will also check out the other forum reccomended. No telling how long it will take to get that home study. I did not think I needed it until I applied to adopt someone....
4mykidz	Re: Getting Scared - advice please	#4	[-]
Posts: 236 (01/31/07 08:45:52) Committed Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	When you are looking into older child adoption, if you deal with an agency hired by the state, they shouldn't charge you anything for your homestudy! We are in the process of finalizing on our third state ward adoption, and we have paid 0 out of pocket. There are generally subsidies available to aid with children that fall into special needs catagories, frequently deemed as special needs simply based on their age. Also, photo listings are not your only avenue. Once you are involved with a worker, they will steer kids to you that they feel may be a good match for you. Often the kids that hit the photo lising do so because they are the ones with greater issues and therefore more diffiicult to place. All three of my kids never hit Michigan's photo listing. Michigan law requires that they be listed within 180 days. That does not mean my kids were easy. None of them have been, but I do not regret them. What they add to my life is much greater than what they have cost it. Foster to adopt is a great way to go to determine if it is really for you. In our case, we only accepted kids whose parents' rights had already been terminated and therefore they were available for adoption. We did sign Intent to Adopt letters on the first and last before they were placed with us. The middle one was with us for many months before we were ready to make that commitment. Even signing an Intent Letter did not commit us to adopting them, but it did give us the right to work toward a relationship with the child to see if we were a good fit for them, and the reverse. Just another thing for you to consider.
Unregistered(d)	Re: Getting Scared - advice please	#5	[-]
Posts: 0 (06/10/07 17:47:58) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	My best advice is to foster first and if the child works out (as in years not weeks or months) then adopt them. I sincerly wish someone had given me this peice of advice before I adopted, it would have saved me a lot of heart ache.

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