We have been foster parents for 6 months and our first placement has been a 5 yr old boy. He has had his share of problems since he was place but the last month has become so hard to deal with we are considering having him removed. He is a fost/adopt placement. We are being pressured by the case worker to make an adoption decision but his behavior is keeping us from moving forward. We are getting no help from the cw or the therapist. He won't bond with me at all and will only respond to my husband. He was from a singleparent home. Drug abuse and severe neglect were the reasons he was removed . We are worried his behavior will not change. He has just been diag. with ADHD and has started meds 2 months ago and he had his final visit with mom a month ago. He knows he will not go home but his disruptive, distructive behavior is getting worse. He lies, wets the bed, hits, breaks things and demands attention all the time. Is this normal behavior for a 5 year old? I have raised 3 kids of my own but I have never had to deal with these problems to this extreme.
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Help with 5 yr old problem child
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 TracieR18 |
Help with 5 yr old problem child |
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Posts: 2 (11/29/05 13:46:26) |
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4mykidz |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 236 (11/29/05 20:23:17) Committed |
While it is not normal 5 yo behavior, he cannot possibly be normal with his history. You are likely to be in for a long haul as he probably has no ability to trust you. Does he go for therapy regularly, have the meds shown you any improvement? If ADHD is not the problem, the meds could be making the real issue worse. Document everything so that you can show it to the doc, document daily if you can. Do not let them try to push you on the adopt thing, although they may have time constraints that force them to begin looking for a new family for him without a permancy plan in place. Kids with these histories are very hard to parent. Do alot of reading, and do you best to stay very consistent, and you must be strict. They need to know you can keep them safe, and they will fight your control because they do not believe you actually will keep them safe. If you can enforce rules, then they may begin to feel safe, and trust you. I hope that you can be the right family to parent him, but only you and your family know that. I wish you patience and luck, it is very hard. I have a 7 yo girl, she has been with us for just over a year. We nearly disrupted while we were trying to get her properly diagnosed. She has FAS/FAE, depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. She was violent, she had rages that would go on for hours, the school wanted to call the police on her for biting the school conselor, we went through hell, but for some reason, we knew she was meant to be ours, and we endured everything, and today, she is a wonderful little girl. She has some negative behaviors, but they are improving, and she is such a great additon to our lives. It is a personal choice, and a very difficult one.
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TracieR18 |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 2 (11/30/05 10:02:10) |
Thank you for your advise. He has improved alot after meds. I was the first to refuse to give him meds. I thought we could work through things without them but on them he is much more reasonable and is able to concentrate in school. He is behind ,so he is able to start catching up. His behavior is improving also but new , negative behaviors are replacing the old ones. Evary time I think the bed wetting is over it starts again. We have been consistant on dicipline and rules. He understands them but continues to break the rules. He is not upset by any dicipline we give him. He acts unfazed by anything. He stares off into space and ignores what ever I say. I ask him if he is paying attention. Sometimes he says yes and repeats what I say and sometimes he won't even answer me. He is in therapy but he won't talk to the therapist. He just plays with toys and controls the conversation. He won't talk about his bio mom or family at all. He is so closed off that we can't reach him. Thanks again for your help.
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (11/30/05 11:05:36) |
I adopted two children (then 3 & 4) about 18 months ago. The oldest had all of the same behaviors you describe, just not as pronounced as your boy's seem to be. I've seen enormous improvement, but it has taken more resources than I knew I had.
Personally, if I woke up in your situation, I would not adopt right now. The social worker just wants to close her file on this case and move on with her paperwork. Trust me on this -- you will receive far more resources and assistance from the state and its allies if you are fostering than you will after you adopt. No matter what they say, adoption ends the bulk of the state's support. If you have had your boy long enough, then probably you will continue to have the right of first refusal for adoption and can force the social worker to keep the status quo as long as you feel it necessary. Are you getting regular therapy or attachment therapy? If it is an attachment issue, as seems likely, your FS will likely not get what he needs from a regular therapist. Wishing you the best .... |
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:14:44) |
Am I reading your post correctly- do you think his bedwetting is a 'behavior'? It's not. It's most likely a symptom of past traumas or he is delayed in this regard. Many families take longer to train at night and it is a genetic issue.
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:20:19) |
(I thought I could edit my last post and can't- so I'll continue here-) Bedwetting and daywetting are extremely annoying aren't they? My kiddo had both when she moved in and it could just wear me out. I'd go down to do the laundry and the smell would hit and I would just hate it all. These are the things I did:
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:21:38) |
(an ez board quirk forces me to do multiple posts instead of long ones)
cont: First of all I did a ton of research and learned it was not her fault- it just was. Second I learned that constipation can be a huge contributor. I started paying attention to her bowel movements and added a vegetable fiber to her diet. I forget what it was called but it was not made ffom psyllium. Products like metamucil can produce really painful gas. |
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:26:25) |
cont:
Third, I explained to my kiddo, both with words and with drawings how her bladder filled because she drank liquids. We filled a balloon and talked about how your bladder could be little- medium- or full. I quit asking her if she needed to go to the bathroom and instead focused her evaluating it herself. |
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:27:40) |
If she fibbed and said it was little then I just said that she would know but reminded her it was her job to get there. Our kiddos can have huge gaps in their knowledge of the world. Some of them are even frightened to leave the bed at night. My kiddo needed permission to leave her bed at night repeated many times.
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:30:10) |
cont:
4th- this kiddo of yours needs extra bedclothes, pjs etc. get them and don't fuss about it. I have never really heard of anyone being successful with this issue by having the natural consequence of doing extra laundry. Have the kiddo help you an age appropriate amount. |
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (12/30/05 00:33:20) |
cont:
5th- You need to make sure the kiddo's clothes never** smell. It's bad for the kiddo and will make you like being around him less. Go to the pet store and get an enzyme product for pet urine. I like odor mute the best although lately I've had to get pet stores to order it. Add that to ALL FREE (the soap) and oxy clean. If there is a hint of odor run them through again. This is really the most important advice I have. |
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Unregistered(d) |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 0 (04/19/06 06:08:04) |
We don't make a big deal about bed wetting. I went to Wal Mart and bought some bed wetter pads. I put one of those on each bed with a sheet on top. I do 2 layers like this.
Also we don't keep the children's pajamas in a drawer they are kept on the foot of their bed. If they wet the bed in the night, they get up take the sheet and pad off and change jammie pants. Every couple of weeks I febreeze the kids' room. Wetting the bed can be from stress! If he isn't talking about the things that bother him this could be affecting him at night. Can you and him have special time together to help the bonding? Maybe do date night or something like that? Spend time each evening watching tv together with you giving him a massage, stroking his hair, cuddling on the couch with him etc. |
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spoldervaart |
Re: Help with 5 yr old problem child | ||
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Posts: 5 (01/10/08 22:57:03) |
Holy cow. This is exactly what I have been dealing with our child. We adopted him at four years old and he wasn't potty trained. After one really long summer I was able to get him to go to the bathroom on his own. We thought we were home free. Well, he continued to have accidents and still wets his bed. We've tried the natural consequences thing, going bare, washing sheets every day and more. He is now six and still wets his bed at least four times a week. He has also started wetting at school. I have to send a change of clothes each day just to make sure that he has something new to wear should he "accidentally" pee. I would say do not adopt. That may sound harsh, but having done so ourselves and being faced with major problems at school, marriage issues and birth family interference, I would never, and I mean never, do this again. I do, however, love our son. He's getting a bit better, but I am resentful of the time and effort it takes to make any tine forward stride. And I must say, things get worse. You think all is well one day and then you will find poop smeared on the computer desk. The teacher calls and you have to go and pick up the child. We are fighting for rights through the school and it's a big job. I have to take time off at least once a week to deal with issues at home. Think twice...do you like your life the way it is? IS this childe really capable of recovery? DO you work? If so, this is not a good match. As much as I would love to say go for it, I still have to say be cautious. These children need tons of personal attention and care. They do not just adjust after time. Good luck to you. I really wish you the best, but do be aware that this commitment is a big one and you are really on your own once all is final. |
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- Introductions
- Pre-Adoption
- Parenting
- Attachment & Bonding
- Foster Families
- International Adoption
- Single Parents
- School & Learning
- Faith & spirituality
- Challenges
- Grief & Loss
- Meds, supplements, doctors, herbal remedies, etc.
- A Day in the Life...
- Books, DVDs, games, software, etc.
- Bits & Pieces
- Out of home placement
- Ground Rules
